So far I've been keeping up with uni work, though it still seems like the semester is going really quickly (almost up to week 4 already; eep!). I also knocked out two books in my to-read pile, which may not seem like a big achievement, but I've had so little time to read recently it was nice to just relax and read some new fiction. I've also been toying with the idea of beginning my Ph.D next year, though I haven't decided for sure; if I do it, I'll need to come up with a topic. Applications close in October so I still have some time to think about it. I'm torn between wanting to stay in the academic world I enjoy and get to wear the funny hat and have people refer to me as "Doctor" and wanting to go out and get a 'real' job so I can earn money and get my own house. I know that the longer I leave my Ph.D, the less likely I am to do it, although I could probably do it part time while working. I'll have to wait and see. The trouble is that either way is going to take up a lot of my creative time, and I know that's part of working like an adult and all that grown-up stuff (lol), but I have this constant worry in the back of my mind that I'll get to 60 years old and still have no finished novels or no completed art projects of any worth, which then gets that voice in my head saying, "Don't bother trying, you'll fail anyway." I'm sure I'm not the only one who's struggled with this sort of thing, but I still need to figure out a way to shut that voice up :|
Side note: Chuck Wendig posted this article on
25 Ways to Survive as a Creative Person this morning. I think it's well worth a read, and I want to try to work on adhering to at least some of those points.
I haven't got much done on
Dark and Silent Waters (which is currently just under the 40,000 word mark), but I have printed out the outline for
DASW and cut it up into sections so I could spread it out over the floor (our lounge-room resembled a ticker-tape parade) and work out how each piece fit into the story as a whole. I've made a few notes for a couple of sections and I think I've sorted out the plot hole/implausibility issues for at least some of the problem scenes. I did manage to write another 2,500 words or so on my other work in progress today. It's one I've had on the side for years, before I even started
DASW. Aside from
Exile (my main WiP for several years before I started
DASW), this story is probably the one I've made the most progress on out of all of my begun-and-then-abandoned stories (and, shamefully, there are many of those scattered around my hard drive). I'm not sure what genre it is, but I guess it's somewhere between crime, horror and urban fantasy. I would rather the words have gone towards my proper WiP, but progress is progress, right? ...
Right?
Judgemental Dog doesn't think so:
See how other ROW80ers are going
here.
After 50 odd years of dealing with that voice in my head spewing taunts of doubt I've learned it is futile to try shutting it up.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that has ever worked is exercising defiance.
Defiance was essentially trained out of us by the time we were five which was necessary to keep us alive long enough to develop discernment. But as adults we can judge the value of advice and the moral compass of the adviser.
We can see that the 'Don't Walk' sign at a busy intersection is worthy of obedience as well as see the need to refuse respect to the voice demanding surrender of our souls. Even when that voice may be a part of us that thinks it is trying to protect us from harm--ie the humiliation of failure.
Funny thing is my own check-in today was infused with the same self-doubt and I felt myself succumbing only to then find your post and in my attempt to respond conjure up the above paragraph. Use your own discernment as to its value as my own moral compass seems a bit wishywashy these days.
Thanks for the link to Wendig's post. I found it a morale booster.
I'm the worst person to write about silencing the demon of self-deprecation. The only way I manage to keep it quiet is to keep working, push myself beyond sane limits, and hope I keep moving too fast for it to catch up to me. If I ever end up sitting in a quiet room with nothing to do, he turns the volume up to 11 and lets me have it.
ReplyDeleteDifferent writers write differently. Maybe you're the multi-WiP sort, who can pull off working a little bit on many things and still manage to get stuff out the door. But if that approach doesn't really feel the way you want it to, I'd work out another strategy sooner rather than later.
Rebecca, it gets easier and easier to tell that monster, Self-Doubt, to go *#&$ off. Haha! However, be prepared, because that rotten-she-devil-and-inner-bitty will lie in wait and pounce on you when you least expect it! She's (I say she since I'm a woman - I'm sure a man's inner-self-doubt-demon is quite masculine...ahem.) a nasty little thing. But you must club her down and stuff her into a suitcase/closet/whatevs and contain her. Once she starts freeloading in your heart - she's hard evict.
ReplyDelete...and whatever you do - never listen to her. She's a quack. Hahaha. Hope you have a great week, Rebecca.
Not only do I have a voice in my head telling me not to bother, that I am failure, I have a real live voice telling me the same thing. That's where the defiance Joy Renee mentioned really comes into play. When we were kids and Mom said you couldn't do something, didn't that make you want to do it all the more.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, everyone, we can do this!
And I love your dog!
ReplyDeleteAs the others say, self-doubt occurs at any and every age; it's up to you to decide whether or not to listen. I do agree that any words written signifies progress and as you are looking at two different career paths, give yourself a little breathing room as you make your choice. I do believe that the more one writes, the more one discovers about one's self.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you in the rest of this round.
Karen